Quicken and quiver

Failing a test makes you feel stupid. Failing the same test three times causes intense self doubt and a deep inner questioning of one's abilities. You start to wonder if you even deserve to be taking said test. I have taken, and failed, the National Veterinary Boards three times, and am waiting on the results of a fourth. I have been close to passing each time, but that's simply unacceptable to the examiners, and a hundredfold so to myself.

Every time I walk out our front door to check the mail now my steps quicken and my insides quiver. Some days I go as soon as I think the mailman will have arrived, some days I pretend to myself that I have forgotten and let someone else get it. In the past I called to get my results over the phone because it was faster, but recently I have been unable to pick up the telephone and dial the number. I even go so far as to avoid people that know I am due to receive my results so as not to have to answer their (well-meaning) questions.

I desperately hope that once I do finally pass The Test, my confidence will not have permanently suffered from this agonizing experience. Already I find myself questioning my knowledge and abilities more frequently, despite that working as a veterinary technician in the intervening months has improved my skills, and then quitting to study full time increased the volume of material stored in my brain. I timidly look forward to truly proving that to myself one day soon!

The silken swoosh

OK, so I realized today that there is no way I am going to maintain my previous tone for years to come. It is too different from my regular writing style, and feels like too much effort, for me to be able to continue it day in and day out. I was going to erase my previous entries but then I realized, I can still attempt to write well on some days, when the mood strikes me, and just write train-of-thought the rest of the time. This blog is about me, and I am not the same every day.

Of course, no sooner had I written that paragraph than I wanted to try to write creatively again. I yearn to capture the silken swoosh of my skis on the glistening white blanket that tucks in the forested land around me. The euphoria of perfectly linked turns that seem without effort, feeling as if I am soaring a few heavenly inches above the earth, is something I will lust and crave for perpetuity. The beauty of the snow-and-crystal-frosted pine trees hibernating in their wintry glory beneath the vast never-ending azure blue bowl of the southwest sky is a backdrop that human grandeur cannot compete with. The exhilaration I experience from the ability of my own body, which I have sweated and cried and fought to change and can give me so much joy and pleasure and happiness, is most evident when I am hurtling down a bumps run in complete control. There are, in fact, no words to capture that electricity felt at the top of an expert's only run with the knowledge that I have the skill to rock it and make it seem easy! The attempt at transmitting that power is enough and it will continue to be a reason why I write.

The fantastical in the mundane

In pondering what I love about other people's blogs, photographs definitely come to mind. Great writing and interesting content too, naturally. I will attempt my best at all three. I would love to keep my friends, and you, my dear reader, updated with what is going on in my life in the process.

My goal is to talk about the world around me and my involvement in it. Up-close photographs of everyday objects which are a piece of what I'm discussing might make that dialogue more interesting. I plan to post pictures of items that I will (hopefully) notice uniquely through the lens of my camera. This blog will attempt to look at things in a different perspective, hunt for the fantastical and beautiful in the mundane. In examining these picturesque elements I may also find undiscovered territory in my life, my thoughts, my view, the details of my existence.