Quicken and quiver

Failing a test makes you feel stupid. Failing the same test three times causes intense self doubt and a deep inner questioning of one's abilities. You start to wonder if you even deserve to be taking said test. I have taken, and failed, the National Veterinary Boards three times, and am waiting on the results of a fourth. I have been close to passing each time, but that's simply unacceptable to the examiners, and a hundredfold so to myself.

Every time I walk out our front door to check the mail now my steps quicken and my insides quiver. Some days I go as soon as I think the mailman will have arrived, some days I pretend to myself that I have forgotten and let someone else get it. In the past I called to get my results over the phone because it was faster, but recently I have been unable to pick up the telephone and dial the number. I even go so far as to avoid people that know I am due to receive my results so as not to have to answer their (well-meaning) questions.

I desperately hope that once I do finally pass The Test, my confidence will not have permanently suffered from this agonizing experience. Already I find myself questioning my knowledge and abilities more frequently, despite that working as a veterinary technician in the intervening months has improved my skills, and then quitting to study full time increased the volume of material stored in my brain. I timidly look forward to truly proving that to myself one day soon!